How To Co-Parent With Your Ex's New Partner, According To Experts
Family relationships can be tricky, and chances are, yours comes with its own unique sets of challenges. But things can get exceptionally complicated once your ex's significant other gets involved. While the easy thing to do would be to just completely avoid this person altogether, it might not be what's in the best interest of your kids, especially if it looks like your ex and their new bae are getting serious. So, if you're wondering how to have a good relationship with your co-parent's significant other, you've come to the right place.
I checked in with clinical psychologist and Director at Curry Psychology Group Dr. Shannon J. Curry, family therapist of Masion Vie in Lousiana Susan Harrington, and co-parenting counselor and coach Susan Haworth of Cambio Coaching to see how moms can navigate these treacherous relationships.
- The good news is, as an adult, you are completely in charge of your half of this relationship. Meaning how well you get along with your ex's new partner is, in large part, up to you. Harrington says relationships work best when you focus on "communication, consideration, and care."
- For most people, this is easier said than done (especially when it comes to your ex), but it's a relief to know that there are things you can do to make sure you're taking responsibility and doing your best in this tricky and potentially emotionally charged relationship.
( 6. ) Work On Your Self-Awareness
- Having the self-awareness to understand your own feelings and behaviors isn't easy. "If you are feeling heightened emotions while interacting with your co-parent's new partner, try to identify the thought or worry that is behind your distress," Curry says.
Understanding the root of your inner conflict can help you move the relationship in a more positive direction.
( 7. ) Be A Good Example
- An extension of being a grown-up is leading by example, and as a parent, that is your number one job. Take a moment to think about what kind of environment is best for your kids and lead them through the best you can.
- "Modeling clear, consistent communication teaches your child that you want to hear him or her, as well as resolve disagreements," Harrington says. "Care is an act that must be modeled to be learned."
( 8. ) Adjust Your Expectations
- You should also realize that the relationship may not go the way you want it to, and that's OK.
"Taking a hard look at one's expectations will help put these relationships in perspective. Expecting everyone to enjoy each other as one big happy family [may be] unrealistic," Haworth says.
( 9. ) Don't Be Afraid To Establish Boundaries
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While maintaining the peace and being the bigger person is important, it's equally important to make sure you establish healthy boundaries for you and for your kids. Haworth gives an example:
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"If the new partner is trashing you in front of your children (or stepchildren), this needs to be addressed quickly with the perpetrator. If the new partner is overstepping boundaries (such as disciplining your children), this should be addressed privately and compassionately."
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